From sticking with soccer to finishing commitments, parents are using a no-nonsense approach. Author Michaeleen Doucleff explains the trend.

Millennial parents are increasingly turning away from gentle parenting in favor of a more traditional, consequence-driven approach often described as 'find out' parenting. This style, rooted in practices used by previous generations, emphasizes allowing children to experience the natural outcomes of their actions, fostering autonomy and responsibility.

Parenting researcher and author Mykalene Duclef notes that while this approach is an ancient tool used worldwide, it should be applied thoughtfully and not taken to extremes. Duclef shares key strategies observed in various cultures, such as avoiding arguments with children, involving them in daily chores, and minimizing verbal commands. She cautions that while these methods can be effective, modern challenges like screen time and processed foods may require additional strategies.

Millennials embrace "find out" parenting style with firm consequences

So, you might know the phrase F around and find out, meaning if you step out of line, Godspeed. Because now millennials, some of whom feel defeated by so-called gentle parenting, are turning to this old school, no-nonsense approach of our parents and grandparents. Here's how the Wall Street Journal described it. Didn't feel like having lasagna for dinner? Survive until breakfast. Left your toy on the floor again? Go find it in the trash, under that lasagna you didn't eat. Well, we wanted to call in a pro who has studied parenting all over the world, analyzing what does not work and what has worked for thousands of years. I am a fangirl of author Mykalene Duclef, who wrote Hunt, Gather, Parent, also known as The Bible in My House. To research the book, she traveled to far-off villages with her rambunctious toddler and lived to tell the tale. Mykalene, welcome. Thank you so much for having me. Great to have you. So, in your book, you spend some time with the Mayan in Mexico, the Inuit in the Arctic Circle, and the ... Hadzabe in Tanzania, yes. Tanzania, to study how these ancient civilizations have reared their children successfully, what do you think about this kind of new, old trend of F around and find out? So, there is no doubt this is an ancient tool that parents everywhere have used for thousands of years. It's timeless, and they still use it different flavors. And, you know, it gives American kids something they sorely need, agency, autonomy, opportunities to take responsibility. So, the classic example is a kid who doesn't want to put on a coat in the morning, even though it's cold or raining. You know, many parts of the world, parents would ask twice, three times, and then say, okay, experience that for yourself. And this lets children learn how to think, how to take responsibility and become self-sufficient humans. I think it's great. What would you say to people who think it sounds harsh, it sounds cruel, it sounds damaging, all those things? Well, like all parenting tools, you don't want to take it too far, right? You have to do it right. And I think, in my mind, we don't want to think about it as like the big F. We can think about it as like a little F. So, fiddling around and finding out, futzing around so that when the stakes are really low, the mistakes don't really matter. So, like in the kitchen, giving a child a chunk of onion and a dull knife and have them cut, say, you know, cut this onion, and then let them fiddle around, explore, experiment. And this is how kids grow. This is how they learn. So, I think this little F is going to be much more effective with kids because it's a slower, dentaler way of doing it. So, years later, I still remember parts of your book vividly. You start out, you were interviewing a mother, a Mayan mother, and it's like 7.30 in the morning. Her 10-year-old wakes up, walks past them, and starts doing the dishes, and you go, what has happened? Yes! What is the secret? So, can you just give us your top tip that you learned from the Mayans, from the Inuit, from the Hadzabe? Yes. So, I have three rules that I use all the time in my life. So, number one, never argue with a child. Around the world, adults never argue with children. They don't nag, negotiate, debate, nothing. If you feel like you're going to argue, put your hand on their shoulder and say, you know what, I'm not going to argue with you. Walk away. If they're in danger, fix the situation. Number two, include children in your chores. I'm not talking about their chores, making their bed, cleaning their room. Your chores, cooking, cleaning the house, doing the laundry. This is so key to raising responsible, but also proud and happy kids. They want to be involved in our lives. Number three, be quiet. In America, we instruct children, command them, praise, feedback all the time. And this is so stressful for a lot of kids, but also it's ineffective. I tell parents, look at your phone, give yourself 20 minutes, and in that time period, say one command to the child. Try it. It will reduce conflict and stress, and I'm telling you, your children will start loving you. And then if they don't follow the command and the 20 minutes are up, then the toy goes in the trash? Well, you know, there's so many tools out there besides talking. You know, we try to fix everything with talking, and we can't, you know, especially little kids. They don't know what we're saying. You can give them a look. You can take action. You can gently, you know, guide them in the right direction. So many parents stay quiet and watch. So you do all this? I do a lot of her things. I take kids to the window to calm them down and take them outside. That's helped a lot. So many things. I've taken advantage of their natural desire to help, which you talk about in the book. So often we're like, no, you're gonna mess it up. Let them do it, and then you have a little army helping you at home. Quickly, your new book, what's it about? So my new book comes out in March. It's called Dopamine Kids, and it's about the times in our life now that these ancient tools don't work. So screens and ultra-processed foods. You need a whole new playbook for these. Oh, man, you're speaking my language, Micheleen. So excited for that book. And the other book we were talking about, Hunt, Gather, Parent, is out now wherever you buy your books.

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Jerusalem

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East Coast of the United States

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Washington

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San Juan

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London

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Breakdown