Every marriage is filled with both highs and lows. A useful tip comes from marriage researcher John Gottman, who identified a key element of lasting marriages — the "conversational bid."

California

A recent CBS America segment examines the dynamics of lasting marriages, drawing on the research of relationship expert John Gottman. The report likens marriage to navigating a foreign country, filled with both beautiful experiences and unexpected challenges.

Central to Gottman's findings is the concept of the 'conversational bid'—small attempts by one partner to connect with the other. The segment explains that couples who recognize and respond positively to these bids foster a sense of being heard and valued, which strengthens their bond over time. The piece concludes with a personal reflection on the importance of having a supportive partner who helps navigate the complexities of marriage.

The secret to lasting marriages?

Every marriage is a foreign country. That phrase is first a warning about judging other people's marriages. Don't. You don't know. This is good advice about most judgments. It's also a perfect description of the institution of marriage itself. Like a tourist in a foreign country, marriage will amaze you with natural beauty, draw you in with soulful days strung between cafes, bookstores, and views where time seems to stop. And there will be bouts of stomach upset and a reality that looks nothing like what was promised in the brochure. And there will be endless miscommunications, which is why one of the most useful travel tips comes from marriage researcher John Gottman, who identified a key element of lasting marriages, what he calls the conversational bid. A conversational bid is a small attempt to connect, a passing remark, a question, even a sigh, that invites a response. When your spouse says, look at the sky, it's beautiful tonight, you can either look up and share the moment or keep scrolling on your phone. Choose the second path or change the subject entirely and you're doomed. Do it often enough and the conversations go off the rails until someone blurts, you never take me dancing. Conversational couples, say Gottman, are the ones who recognize a conversational bid for what it is and turn towards the spouse that offers it. That choice delivers one of the most important human messages. You are worth listening to. You are heard. You are worthy of attention. We want to be loved and heard. And if we can get a dose of each from the same person, that's when you've got a hit record. Another reason I like the foreign country metaphor is that 30 years ago today, we landed in our foreign country. The only way I have survived is because I've had a wise guide, someone who always seems to know what's going on, who speaks the language, forgives my enthusiasms, and keeps guiding me back on track when I get lost.

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