Ellen Hendriksen, author of "How to Be Enough," shares insights on how to stop overthinking, overcome self-criticism, and feel good without needing to be perfect.

Clinical psychologist Ellen Hendrickson, author of 'How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists,' explains that perfectionism is less about striving for flawlessness and more about never feeling good enough. She notes that many people with perfectionist tendencies do not identify as such, but instead report feelings of failure or inadequacy despite external achievements.

Hendrickson highlights how societal pressures, such as work culture, social media, and childhood expectations, can exacerbate perfectionism. She recommends counteracting these tendencies by practicing vulnerability, seeking help, and fostering trust and equality in relationships. Hendrickson also emphasizes the importance of shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion and viewing mistakes as part of the human experience.

Why perfectionism might be holding you back

Who doesn't like perfection? Well, some people, I guess, but many of us chase it. But when does that push become too much? Psychologist Ellen Hendrickson digs into this in her book, How to Be Enough, Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. Ellen, good morning. Welcome. So I always thought of perfectionists as someone that did everything perfectly. I do not think I'm a perfectionist, even though I feel like, Vlad, you disagree. No, I don't think you're a perfectionist. I think you're a high achiever. But you define a perfectionist as what? Someone who everyone else thinks is doing great, but. Yeah, no, I think it's really interesting because as a clinical psychologist at an anxiety specialty clinic, nobody ever comes in and says, Ellen, I'm a perfectionist. I need help with perfectionism. But I would say that the majority of my clients have perfectionism at the heart of their challenges, but they come in and say things like, I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm falling behind. I'm not reaching my potential. And I think that's because the term perfectionism is actually a little bit of a misnomer. It's not really about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough. I think that's really interesting. You say that perfectionism has actually gotten worse, though, over the last couple of years, in that, what, we as a society, and I guess it's different, perhaps, by country or demographic, but I feel like in this country, we are all about becoming number one, achieving great success. You've got to be better than the next person next to you. If you don't, then you are not hitting the mark. Yeah, absolutely. I think it's really common, and has become more common in recent years, to feel like we should be more, be better. And every human reacts to the situation they're put in. So when we're put in a culture that is results-oriented, optimization-focused, review-driven, it makes sense that we would respond by feeling like we have to perform and achieve and consume to ever higher levels just to be sufficient as a person. And then to take it a step further on Vlad's point, you talk about social media, work culture, childhood expectations. Even how you look. Even how you look, what we watch on TV, and what we choose in media to highlight and promote. How are these things contributing to the overall idea that I'm not good enough? Yeah, I think there's a really interesting fundamental disconnect, because we, as individuals, evaluate ourselves based on our performance. Did I reach the goal? Did I get the result? Whereas other people evaluate us based on how they feel when they're with us. So, for example, think about why your friends are your friends. So, do you like them because of their performance? Do you like them because they have great taste in restaurants, or they speak three languages, or they're killer on the basketball court? That might be a little part of why you like them, but probably you're friends with your friends because you feel supported, understood, like you can be yourself, and like you don't have to perform at all. We also, sorry, go ahead, Adrienne. No, I was wondering, like, if any of us, or people at home feel like whatever they're doing is not enough, what is your answer? What's the antidote to that? Yeah, so folks with perfectionism will often do something called perfectionistic self-presentation, which is when we show what's going well, and we hide what's going poorly. We don't ask for advice. We don't ask for help. And so what we can do to counteract that sense of being a little bit superhuman, or unrelatable, or having some distance is to be a little bit vulnerable, and to ask for help, to show a little bit of the problems under the rug, because that sends two messages. It says, I trust you. I trust you to see under the rug and not to judge or criticize me. And it says, we are the same. This is not a mentor-mentee relationship. This isn't a coach-player relationship, that we are equal. And those two things, trust and equality, are the fundamentals of any healthy relationship. Yeah, there's seven shifts. There's a couple that I want to note. Self-criticism and self-compassion, then also shame and regret to mistakes as human experiences. I mean, this book is really good. It's powerful. So make sure you go get it if you have an opportunity. It's so good. And you start out with Fred Rogers and Walt Disney stories that people should definitely take a look at when they get the book. I want to say, I was sitting on the subway reading this, and this woman stopped and said, Hey, you are enough. Before I got off the train. It was amazing. Ellen Hendrickson, thank you so much. How to Be Enough is on sale now.

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Breakdown