From dinnertime battles to screen-time standoffs, psychiatrist Dr. Sue Varma joins "CBS Mornings Plus" to share proven techniques parents can use to get kids to listen calmly and effectively.

Dr. Sue Varma, author of 'Practical Optimism,' offers evidence-based strategies for parents seeking to improve communication with their children without raising their voices. She recommends the XYZ technique, which involves describing the situation, the child's behavior, and the emotional impact, to focus on actions rather than character and foster empathy. 

Varma also suggests the 'sandwich technique,' where praise is given before and after a request or criticism, and encourages parents to use humor or their children's language to engage them. For younger children, she advises using choices and playful distraction to promote cooperation, emphasizing that occasional frustration is normal and parents should not feel guilty.

How to get kids to listen without yelling

All right, parents, does this sound familiar? It's dinner time, your kid is busy in their room, they're probably on their phone, you have to call them about 1,000 times to come to the table for dinner. Testing every ounce of patience that you have. So, what do you do? Dr. Sue Varma is the author of Practical Optimism and she joins us now with techniques that she uses on her own kids and she says they work like a charm. Dr. Varma, please, tell us your secrets. Yes, so, you know, this was inspired by a meme that I saw where a mom is asking the kid to do something, doesn't happen, mom asks again, doesn't happen, five times later, mom yells and the kids are like, why are you so mad all the time? And you're like, you know, if I listened the first four times, this wouldn't have happened. So, there are certain techniques that I use and it actually comes from couples therapy, but I really love it because it applies to all relationships and it's called the XYZ technique. So, you're not character assassinating, you're focusing on the behavior. In situation X, when you did Y, I felt Z. So, label the situation, the action, and the impact. So, when you left the dirty dishes in the sink, even though I had asked you to, I ended up feeling disrespected and unseen and invisible and that's something that a lot of parents feel, that they feel like you don't understand how much I'm doing for you, like how much stress it takes just to get through the day. So, it's labeling the action and not the person, which is really important. The X is the action, the Y is how I feel, the Z is? So, in the situation X, when I had asked you to do the dishes. Is the X, situation is X, when you did Y is the actual behavior and then the impact is Z, how that made me feel. So, you're making it about a situation and the impact it had on you as opposed to you never do the dishes, which is making blanket generalizations, which makes the person end up feeling defensive. And then we wanna do this with our kids, like tell them how it makes us feel? Yes, it is so interesting because so much about what children learn about empathy is from hearing how you are feeling, which is so bizarre because you're like, I don't wanna put that on them, is it even appropriate? And for years, it's something that I personally struggled with, but there's something called theory of the mind that kids get from when they hear other people's situations. And they say, in fact, instead of reading your kid a bedtime story, ask them if they wanna hear a G-rated version of your day. So, telling them a little bit about mommy went to do this, mommy went to that, mommy had a stressful day, she couldn't get a cab on time, whatever it is, bringing them into your world. And empathy doesn't really start to flourish, I would say like four or five years old, before that the world is all about them. But when they understand that you have a life, that you're a person, you're not just the butler who's there to hand them everything, that makes them see like, I get it, I have to have some respect for this other person. When I talk to the four and the six year old about picking up toys, it's like they don't even hear me, it's like I'm talking to a stuffed animal. And then with the 13 and the 16 year old, it's like if I say, clean out the dishwasher, it's like they've been unjustly accused of a crime and sentenced to life. It's like they cannot believe that this has happened to them. So how, there's a technique called the sandwich technique. Can that help? Yes, and kids love to eat sandwiches. So I love this technique where you're starting with the praise. And that's really important because, when we criticize people, the ratio, we have to give them six praise statements for one criticism to keep the balance because we all have a negativity bias where if you say something negative, it hurts and it stays. And we don't want kids to feel as if our love is conditional upon their achievements or what they do for us. So you say like, listen, I'm so grateful for everything that you do when you do it, right? So one of my kids loves to cook and I'm so appreciative when he cooks and he makes extra for us, right? And at the same time, I would love it if you would clean up the dishes after you're cooking. It's so wonderful, it is so helpful. You're saving me one night of dinner that I have to make, but please also do this and end with, I know how loving you are, I know how thoughtful you are. So give them the praise, give them the nudge and then end with encouragement. So then they're hearing that like, I'm not a bad person. It's a situation, again, you're bringing it back to the situation, but you're putting in praise and love in there as well, which is very important. Boundaries, but warmth and kindness predict how kids do. So you said that we should also try to speak in our kids' language. My daughter said dude to me the other day and I'm like, you're four, that is not okay. But how can we use kids' language to try to communicate and try to get some cooperation? Yeah, so kids' language, slang, what I find about it is that it's the humor really, because they're not used to those words coming out of your mouth. So when my kids were fighting, instead of getting ready for sports, I walked in and I was like, looks like the rizz ain't rizzing, I'll come back when the vibe is vibing. Okay, Dr. Farmer. Or I'll go in and out, they haven't done the dishes or the laundry and I'll be like, six, seven, and they will freak out. They'll be like. I don't know what that means. Yeah. I have not looked that one up. We still haven't, but one of my sons said, he's like, I think it means like it could be this or it could be that. I mean, there's so many permutations, but it's like gen alpha language, which I thought was funny, but they just want to get me to stop talking and using those words. Get it, she's serious, she's mad. She's using our words on us. Yes, be as cringy as possible. So I have a toddler who's one, almost two. First of all, he can't speak well, right? So it's hard for me to communicate with him. Like he understands everything I say, but he'll just say no. And he's like a linebacker and then he'll just say, he'll grunt. Like, how do I get him to cooperate? You know, the same, the praise, the humor, even if they don't understand language just yet, but they do, they understand your facial expressions, right? So saying like, you're doing, you look like noticing the behavior. There's a lot going on. There are big feelings right now, right? But I want to know how your big feelings feel about the shoes and which ones. So distraction helps, redirection helps. Like giving them choices, because it's all about autonomy. Like if you have to go through, leave the house to say, which shoes are you going to wear? Is it going to be the blue ones or the green ones? Like, this is a big decision. Turn everything into a game. And this, because they're on their own timeline. They could care less about your agenda, your agenda and empathy. That's not happening right now. So it's about playfulness, silliness, and I totally get it. We are going to sometimes lose our temper. It is 100% normal. So don't feel guilty. Don't beat yourself up, but giving options, making them feel like they're in control of everything. Which vegetable are we eating tonight? Is it going to be the broccoli? Is it going to be the kale? Is it the carrots? Is it the peas? They're just so cute. It's hard to say no. Yeah, I know. Dr. Varma, thank you so much. My pleasure.

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